Failed IVF & What's Next
This August, Alec and I jumped into our first round of IVF. The cycle was flawless, I reacted to medications perfectly, we were able to collect 21 eggs that have since turned into 7 embryos. We were then able to freeze the remaining 6 embryos after our transfer. We had so much hope that, that one little embryo was going to be our someday baby.
After the transfer we were sent home with this little photo of our five-day old embryo, that I can't bring myself to look at anymore. This embryo was so loved, every morning i'd wake up and meditate and make sure that I filled my body with positivity. If any negative songs came on the radio i'd immediately change it because my little embryo didn't need those kind of vibes. Even though our little embryo was as big as a few hundred cells, we felt a huge loss when we found out it was unable to implant and continue growing.
This terrible experience, that I could only call a failed IVF cycle, felt like so much more than that. Until recently, there was not a name for such a 'death', which some researchers are now calling a 'pre-implantation miscarriage'. Giving this loss a label makes it that much more real, allowing us to feel validated in this grief.
One of the hardest parts of this news is not knowing what went wrong. There is really no way for the doctors to know and its slightly infuriating. There is genetic testing that can be preformed, however its extremely expensive and at our young age our odds are much better when it comes to genetic abnormalities.
The day we found out the news was the day after we returned from our trip. We woke up early and went in to the clinic to have my blood drawn - to our surprise they said they'd call within a couple hours. So we sat on the couch staring at my phone, just waiting. I remember realizing the results as soon as I heard the nurse say "Hi Kylee" because it was so obvious in her voice that she wasn't delivering good news. I don't even remember what she said after "I'm so sorry". I was overcome with so many emotions and I cried for hours.
Even since I've continued to cry a lot. And it's not just a few tears its full on Kim Kardashian ugly cry, sobbing into Alec's shoulder. I did everything I could to not prepare myself for a negative result, I thought that if I just didn't think about it that there's no way it could happen. However this backfired, instead of preparing myself I set my hopes way up high and it really hurt me more in the end.
We took some time before our final appointment to create a new game plan and it gave me the chance to pull myself together a little more. Even though we knew what we wanted to do immediately after hearing the bad news, we still had to have it approved by our doctor. Also giving this plan time to sink it was a good idea too.
We have a date set in November for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) the protocol for this procedure is a little different, however it still includes shots, hormones and all of the emotions. Plus some decisions that we didn't really struggle with last time - like if we should transfer 1 or 2 embryos (yes, we actually have the option this time).
For those asking, we don't plan on doing another fundraiser because our timeline is so short, but if you would like to donate there is a PayPal set up for #OperationBabyWilson below.
Thank you all again, and again for your undying love and support. We will continue to accept your good vibes and prayers as we continue on this infertility journey.